number-of-character-constrained thoughts

why do we fight? we do we make up reasons to fight? or is there some supernatural/ divine interference over us, so it is the time to fight. it is time to test the truth, your truth.

why is there someone who is always there, hearing what you say, seeing what you do, whether you like it or not. a big mother is worse than a big brother..

please make me pleased. please please me.

it’s time to set things right.

why am i so old yet feel that i haven’t learned enough. finding life so boring, i feel like finding my grey hair to know that i grow, i exist in time dimension. i cant see growth in my nails now that i am staring.

why are we so bound to earth?

flying ants are so hateable. against nature, against expectation. yet so romantic, so free. like allergy.

love has nothing to do with genetics.

i am always sick.


Protégé : my life without you, so far

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alms for the environment

a girl caught me walking in front of her. i knew she was ‘selling’ something. and maybe because of pity i just stopped, thinking that i could avoid her later by not buying. but then she was from an international organization whose concern is the environment. of course i know that organization, i even came to its office (and bought yummy pure honey). then she explained about saving energy, clear water, earth quake, being semi-vegetarian and so on. yes, she expected me not to eat whale (of course yaaa). and eat less shrimp and some species of turtle. what ever.

the point was she wanted me to become a donor. now the organization can even debit your account from your credit card. they will just ask for your data… and you know what will come next.

but she even lured me by informing that if i ‘join the club’, i may be invited for, for example, the premiere of a movie. now this sounds very cosmopolitan.

i told her nicely, touched her shoulder slightly, that i am not interested. i didn’t told her that i was not yet ready to donate money for things that do not concern me directly. i remember that we should prioritize the people around us, or relatives, in case you want to help people. in terms of money, and since now is the holy month, i think i better give away money for zakat. alms.

what does the religion say about the environment?

pe ge ce

pertama kali denger kata ini waktu mau naik busway dari depan Mal Taman Anggrek. gue ga jelas juga dengernya, apa bcg, pgc, atau suatu kata aneh yang ga perna gue tau yang menunjukkan lokasi.

hah? kata gue, waktu sang petugas jelasin bahwa gue bisa naik busway ke grogol dulu trus ambil yang jurusan *** trus turun di semanggi, trus naik yang jalur satu, untuk ke blok m saja. akhirnya gue membatalkan niat naik busway yang (kadang) nyaman itu karena gue pikir naik bis biasa aja cuma satu kali. it’s a long story afterwards…

anyway… setelah gue yang kuper karena meninggalkan jakarta selama 2 tahun ini mengkonfirmasi ke adik gue, ternyata nama tempat yang dimaksud adalah PGC. Singkatan dari pusat grosir cililitan. katanya sih barang-barangnya lebih murah dari tanah abang.

suatu hari PGC muncul lagi di percakapan kita. nyokap gue menunjukkan ikat pinggangnya. coklat, lebar, tipis. di slipi jaya, ‘mal’ terdekat dari rumah, barang itu dibandrol 30 ribu. namun di PGC konon sepertiganya saja. hmm, lumayan kalo mau belanja buat lebaran, pikir gue. (klise ya??)

eh ternyata nasib gue memang harus menyampaikan gue ke tempat itu. nyokap dan adik gue harus ke daerah sana, tepatnya kemaren. dan gue sukarela mengantar mereka karena tempat tujuan mereka persis di sebrang PGC. ya sudah, nongkronglah gue di situ buat kerja sambil nunggu mereka.

janji mereka sih urusan selesai jam setengah empat. tapi pas gue sms, ternyata ditunda. tapi anehnya, pas gue browsing2 internet di suatu toko roti/donat/kopi, kok ndilalah ga sadar kalo waktu terus berdenyut dan gue harus pulang… ya, tanpa sempat liat-liat pusat perbelanjaan itu!

tapi ya iya, gue akan kerepotan. masa satu tangan menjinjing laptop, satu lagi megang gelas plastik dengan isi yg masih utuh (gue puasa). gimana mo belanja??

how far are you from reading books?

been almost a month since i was in touch with one of my best friends. i only knew he was busy with his phd, his research visa and his shopping. but shopping in the good sense, for books. so, just now he told me he had to read around 30 books (i think mostly fiction) for his phd. but… BUT, he had only read 4. I think 4 is even too good, at least for me. I just bought one book, a travelogue (two things concerning me.. writing and europe) and i haven’t finished even that…
what is happening?

make yourself more useful

a job. what else will you get after spending (wasting?) two years of your life? you have to make use of your education, whatever you have got, you title, your papers. back to the real world.

in jakarta, the real world is a material world.

when i was still in india, someone really wanted me to stay back, and even offered me jobs. it’s not that the job was not interesting, nor was it as i have thought. it’s just, maybe, not the right one for me. at least for the time being. well, you can say it’s a simple job. just like the call-center job. all you need to have is yourself, your body, your tongue, your language. you don’t have to learn anything first. but this isn’t just about talking. this job has one added-value. traveling. yes, the golden triangle: delhi-jaipu-agra. i could have become a tourist guide. an indonesian tourist guide. and they can pay me good. or at least i will get huge commission from the shops. that was what my friend said. i won’t need a work visa. just enroll to some school, and stay. no need to actually study.


another offer was a bit more challenging. but the location is totally different. it’s a ‘call’ from the motherland, if it does exist and i get it. so, the story goes that i was chatting with a friend. well, not exactly a friend because, though we were colleague, we haven’t met in person. he even had already quit when i was working in that office. maybe he is just a professional friend, a client, to be exact. he gave me some translation job, i forgot how many times. then he talked about some national-scaled project. so reportedly the president wanted an area to have less army officers and grow more for development distribution. the man to lead this project is said to be a general who handled another ‘difficult area’. however, the mou hasn’t been signed yet. first i was confused, what would i do, what does that have to do with me, a fresh (post-)graduate in a manner of speaking. then he explained that i may be some kind of a media officer. or public relations officer. then it made sense. then i was interested. then i felt i could be more useful. plus, its for the nation. oh, i would be so proud.

but i realize that it’s still to far from reality.

yet. i wonder if the salaries are the same? how do they judge? how do they value you, your service? and most importantly, what will i do? definitely, since i’m already back to indonesia (tho i wasn’t born here), i need to get a job here only. or at least apply from here.

delirium. it’s just like graduating from college, don’t know what to do. how to choose.